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00:00:32,330 --> 00:00:36,010
Good evening. It's good to be with you
again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

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00:00:36,010 --> 00:00:38,170
let's start straight away with news of
another scandal.

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00:00:38,530 --> 00:00:42,750
A Sunday newspaper has in its possession
a picture of the Prime Minister in a

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00:00:42,750 --> 00:00:44,570
very embarrassing and compromising
position.

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00:00:45,130 --> 00:00:47,590
He is fully clothed and shaking hands
with President Nixon.

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00:00:50,130 --> 00:00:55,130
And President Nixon told a congressional
committee today that he had not taken a

7
00:00:55,130 --> 00:00:56,130
lie detector test.

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00:00:56,250 --> 00:00:58,730
If there was one missing, it had been
taken without his knowledge.

9
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:05,420
In Dublin today, police raided the
printing press of Ireland's most

10
00:01:05,420 --> 00:01:08,160
forger and took away two million seven
pound notes.

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00:01:17,460 --> 00:01:24,100
Whilst at a football pool, federation,
fancy dress ball, a young lady arrived

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00:01:24,100 --> 00:01:27,780
entirely naked except for a cross marked
on each bosom.

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00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:31,470
She explained that she was a chest of
drawers.

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00:01:34,470 --> 00:01:39,470
Accidentally today, Raquel Welch had a
hole in one and a very interesting split

15
00:01:39,470 --> 00:01:40,470
in the other.

16
00:01:46,070 --> 00:01:52,650
We understand... We

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00:01:52,650 --> 00:01:57,050
understand that many people in Chorley
are suffering from foreign interference.

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00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:01,420
There's little you can do about it, but
watch out for a Frenchman with a feather

19
00:02:01,420 --> 00:02:02,420
on a stick.

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00:02:06,540 --> 00:02:13,220
The President Armin and his personal
witch doctor arrived today in a

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00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:14,240
mumbo -jumbo jet.

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00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:24,440
Yes, and when the Captain of the Guard
of Honour called out, The President

23
00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:25,440
replied,

24
00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:38,520
And shot him.

25
00:02:40,540 --> 00:02:43,700
And now for a sketch about three
elephants and a coat hanger.

26
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:47,200
But for economy reasons, we're going to
do without the coat hanger.

27
00:03:03,420 --> 00:03:05,300
Hello, I want to join the...

28
00:03:06,140 --> 00:03:07,540
I want to join the library.

29
00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:11,260
Do you mind not shouting, please? I
can't help shouting.

30
00:03:16,820 --> 00:03:18,680
Please, talk quietly.

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00:03:19,020 --> 00:03:21,680
I can't talk quietly. That's why I want
to join the library.

32
00:03:22,780 --> 00:03:26,160
I want a copy of a book entitled How Not
to Shout.

33
00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:29,640
Thank you very much indeed.

34
00:03:30,140 --> 00:03:31,099
Mr. Simpson?

35
00:03:31,100 --> 00:03:32,100
Yes?

36
00:03:35,150 --> 00:03:36,370
How Not to Shout. What?

37
00:03:37,430 --> 00:03:40,390
This gentleman wants a book called How
Not to Shout.

38
00:03:40,590 --> 00:03:41,529
There's no such book.

39
00:03:41,530 --> 00:03:42,530
Oh, yes, there is.

40
00:03:42,650 --> 00:03:43,650
I know.

41
00:03:43,690 --> 00:03:45,390
It's called How Not to Shout.

42
00:03:45,630 --> 00:03:49,630
No, no. There's a book called How to
Shout Louder or How to Shout

43
00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:53,550
Loud. That's a very good one. Or How to
Scream at the... No, no. I don't want to

44
00:03:53,550 --> 00:03:54,630
shout. What?

45
00:03:55,150 --> 00:03:56,930
I want to stop shouting.

46
00:03:57,410 --> 00:04:00,830
That's why I want a copy of the book
entitled How Not to Shout.

47
00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:08,720
The first chapter.

48
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:12,900
Hurry up and finish it. I'd like to read
it next. I ought to read it next.

49
00:04:13,180 --> 00:04:14,180
Shut up.

50
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:15,480
No, I want to read it.

51
00:04:15,700 --> 00:04:16,899
I asked for it first.

52
00:04:17,220 --> 00:04:20,079
Look, I'm the chief librarian. I need to
read it. Agenda.

53
00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:58,560
Parachute.

54
00:09:12,180 --> 00:09:13,180
A parachute?

55
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,100
A parachute, Mr. Aspinall.

56
00:09:18,460 --> 00:09:20,760
Don't question my decisions, Mr.
Aspinall.

57
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:25,140
All it needs for you to do is to take a
wrong turning in the multi -story car

58
00:09:25,140 --> 00:09:29,320
park, a few circuits, and there we are,
teetering on the edge of infinity.

59
00:09:31,060 --> 00:09:33,020
That's why I brought a parachute, Mr.
Aspinall.

60
00:09:33,580 --> 00:09:35,820
You'll learn that that is the secret of
good driving.

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00:09:36,460 --> 00:09:37,460
Intelligent anticipation.

62
00:09:38,660 --> 00:09:42,150
Now... To the best of your knowledge,
Mr. Astral, have you suffered from any

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00:09:42,150 --> 00:09:43,150
notifiable disease?

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00:09:43,230 --> 00:09:44,189
No.

65
00:09:44,190 --> 00:09:46,230
Have you any history of emotional
instability?

66
00:09:46,850 --> 00:09:47,850
Certainly not.

67
00:09:48,450 --> 00:09:49,570
You can tell us, you know.

68
00:09:52,710 --> 00:09:56,210
The depths of the human psyche are an
open book to we at the Ministry of

69
00:09:56,210 --> 00:09:59,750
Transport. Look, there's no cogs loose
in our family, thank you very much.

70
00:10:01,610 --> 00:10:02,610
What are you doing?

71
00:10:04,470 --> 00:10:05,890
Is all that necessary?

72
00:10:06,750 --> 00:10:09,610
You wouldn't ask a question like that,
Mr. Aspinall, if you'd been driven

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00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:12,390
through Woolworths on a busy Saturday
like I've been driven through

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00:10:15,710 --> 00:10:21,010
Now, a few preliminaries.

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00:10:21,930 --> 00:10:26,770
As a general rule, if I scream, I would
like you to regard this as an

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00:10:26,770 --> 00:10:28,790
instruction to reduce your road speed.

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00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:32,650
If I tap the face here, thus, one.

78
00:10:33,290 --> 00:10:36,490
it means that I want you to drive with
care because I've got my eyes closed.

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00:10:38,050 --> 00:10:42,990
If I tap the face here twice, thus, it
means I am trusting you implicitly, Mr.

80
00:10:43,030 --> 00:10:45,070
Aspinall, and allowing you to move into
second gear.

81
00:10:48,350 --> 00:10:52,910
Now, you'll probably hear some wind
noise because I prefer to drive with the

82
00:10:52,910 --> 00:10:53,910
door slightly open.

83
00:10:56,190 --> 00:11:00,270
Now, you'll get used to that, but should
you hear it close, drive with care

84
00:11:00,270 --> 00:11:01,270
because it means I've gone.

85
00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:24,900
Thank goodness for not crossing the
Sahara, but it should get you through

86
00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:25,900
high street all right.

87
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:30,540
Charming, isn't it? Now, if you should
feel it stopping, I'd like you to give

88
00:11:30,540 --> 00:11:31,620
a clear warning, if you would.

89
00:11:37,100 --> 00:11:38,840
Oh, dear, oh, Lord.

90
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:41,120
Haven't we got any plasma?

91
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:45,420
No, that's in the emergency pack.

92
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,960
Oh, by the way, if you should have to
give me a transfusion...

93
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:53,540
For God's sake, don't get the bottles
mixed up.

94
00:11:54,260 --> 00:11:55,640
There's some brake fluid in there.

95
00:11:57,420 --> 00:12:00,800
And you'll find my blood group tattooed
just below the left ventricle.

96
00:12:01,140 --> 00:12:03,980
Just to the left of the dripping dagger
and the scroll saying, to death or

97
00:12:03,980 --> 00:12:07,700
glory. It means that the highway code is
receding further back every minute.

98
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:09,860
Eager for the fray, are you?

99
00:12:10,580 --> 00:12:11,760
Yet you've been at it a while.

100
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,760
I've seen the flower of the Ministry of
Transport cut off in his prime.

101
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:17,900
Young Bucknell from Welland.

102
00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:21,000
went out to hear one Saturday morning
with a slip of the girl, came back

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00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:22,660
completely gone out of his mind.

104
00:12:23,140 --> 00:12:27,180
They found him right up a post by a
zebra crossing, singing, Nearer, my God,

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00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,180
thee.

106
00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:31,020
Right, now pay attention.

107
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:35,960
When I signal thus, it means we're going
to turn to our right. When I signal

108
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:41,200
thus, it means we're going to turn to
our left. When I do this, it means give

109
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,220
two of the blue tablets from my top left
-hand breast.

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00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:47,260
It's a glass of water from the flask in
the emergency pack, right?

111
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,030
Now, come on. Let's get going.

112
00:12:50,210 --> 00:12:51,390
Let's... Oh, by the way.

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00:12:52,110 --> 00:12:56,510
Should I divest myself... Should I
divest myself thus?

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00:12:57,170 --> 00:13:02,770
It means that we are approaching a
harbour area, and I would like you to...

115
00:13:03,850 --> 00:13:06,250
Aspinall, will you come back here? Mr.
Aspinall, come back!

116
00:13:06,890 --> 00:13:09,450
They're always doing this. They don't
like me, you know. It's because I speak

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00:13:09,450 --> 00:13:10,189
too well.

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00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:12,490
Mr. Aspinall, come back here, you
wretched...

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00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:33,000
The care of the sick is a very
worthwhile subject for study, and a

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00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,340
first aid is a must for everyone today.

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00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:42,880
80 % of accidents happen in the home.

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00:13:45,220 --> 00:13:50,700
The most important thing to remember in
first aid is to keep the patient calm.

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00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:55,140
Don't try to remedy the situation
yourself.

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00:14:01,180 --> 00:14:06,280
Simply lie the patient down, cover with
a blanket, and get them to drink plenty

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00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,880
of hot sweet tea.

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00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:49,260
is the keynote always when dealing with
a patient.

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00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:55,480
A blanket bath, for instance, can be an
unnerving experience if a person is

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00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:56,480
unused to it.

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00:15:10,700 --> 00:15:16,720
When bandaging an injured limb, Do not
do so in such a way that the limb is

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00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:17,720
difficult to cope with.

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00:16:10,350 --> 00:16:12,350
can often still be gainfully employed.

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00:16:23,690 --> 00:16:29,290
Fearfulness is a great asset, but
remember that one must never treat a

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00:16:29,290 --> 00:16:30,910
disability too lightly.

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00:16:49,770 --> 00:16:54,210
the patient is concerned about his
ailment and never subject him to undue

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00:16:54,210 --> 00:16:55,210
pressure.

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00:17:09,369 --> 00:17:13,550
Make sure you know how to handle
equipment properly and that it's in a

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00:17:13,550 --> 00:17:14,550
condition.

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00:17:46,380 --> 00:17:49,100
Be attentive at all times to the needs
of the patient.

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00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:55,880
And never be caught off guard for a
moment.

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00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,140
and our guest for this evening, Donna.

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00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:58,840
He said you'd give to me soon as you
were free. Where did hell go free?

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00:18:59,700 --> 00:19:01,000
Where is the light?

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00:19:51,180 --> 00:19:52,200
you would tell me so.

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00:21:01,290 --> 00:21:04,290
Good evening again, and thank you for
all your letters and, you know, kind

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00:21:04,290 --> 00:21:06,070
inquiries about my family, etc.

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00:21:06,310 --> 00:21:10,130
I'm pleased to be able to say that my
wife's rather delicate health has

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00:21:10,130 --> 00:21:11,130
improved.

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00:21:11,150 --> 00:21:14,290
We did have a little upset yesterday
when I took her for a row on the

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00:21:14,290 --> 00:21:17,290
serpentine, and halfway across she went
down with scurvy.

150
00:21:20,350 --> 00:21:25,790
And we've discovered that it was our
Swedish au pair who killed the milkman.

151
00:21:27,950 --> 00:21:29,970
It took her a little time, but she did
it.

152
00:21:32,490 --> 00:21:36,110
Then we've had some more trouble, had
some more trouble with our new house.

153
00:21:36,650 --> 00:21:39,270
The cement was too weak and people were
stealing the bricks.

154
00:21:41,650 --> 00:21:44,650
Then the front door died of Dutch elm
disease.

155
00:21:46,090 --> 00:21:47,210
Not a pretty sight.

156
00:21:48,010 --> 00:21:50,790
I don't know if you've ever stood there
and watched your knocker dropping off.

157
00:21:54,930 --> 00:21:56,410
Not very nice at all.

158
00:21:57,370 --> 00:22:01,970
The kiddies, the kiddies, however, are
doing very well the first year at

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00:22:02,270 --> 00:22:05,510
I say very well. It's one of these
progressive schools, you know, where the

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00:22:05,510 --> 00:22:07,550
children go to school when they feel
like going to school.

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00:22:07,830 --> 00:22:09,410
And they haven't actually been there
yet.

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00:22:11,290 --> 00:22:14,130
Well, they haven't actually been inside,
you know.

163
00:22:14,710 --> 00:22:17,770
By the way, by the way, I heard a
very... I said that rather funnily.

164
00:22:17,970 --> 00:22:21,150
By the way, I was going to... Instead of
by the way.

165
00:22:21,410 --> 00:22:26,870
By the way... By the way, I heard a very
interesting theory from Mrs. Margaret

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00:22:26,870 --> 00:22:30,370
Thatcher when I was having a quick one
with her in our local yesterday.

167
00:22:32,780 --> 00:22:38,120
She said that if you can get your
children to run three miles every

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00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:42,820
three miles every evening, by the end of
the week they could be 42 miles away.

169
00:22:49,380 --> 00:22:53,780
By the way, that's not the Margaret
Thatcher who is well known for getting

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00:22:53,780 --> 00:22:57,300
Parliament. That is the Margaret
Thatcher who is well known for falling

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00:22:57,300 --> 00:22:58,300
the Duke's head.

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00:22:59,950 --> 00:23:03,190
And I would say, as I was saying, you
know, schools today are quite a bit

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00:23:03,190 --> 00:23:06,710
different from the schools I went to,
you know, the old Martin Borman

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00:23:06,710 --> 00:23:07,710
comprehensive.

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00:23:10,010 --> 00:23:13,930
That was probably the last school in
England to retain capital punishment.

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00:23:15,550 --> 00:23:19,690
And, of course, the teachers weren't
really up to today's standard by any

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00:23:19,730 --> 00:23:23,350
not at all up to today's standard. I
mean, I remember our games master.

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00:23:23,750 --> 00:23:27,990
Now, his only qualification was a
rudimentary knowledge of bingo and a

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00:23:27,990 --> 00:23:28,990
on the easy six.

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00:23:30,060 --> 00:23:34,760
And I recall that the teacher who took
us in sex education was very, very shy.

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00:23:34,980 --> 00:23:38,780
In fact, he was so shy, he used to shut
himself in a cupboard and shout through

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00:23:38,780 --> 00:23:39,780
a knot hole.

183
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:47,160
Now, most people's introduction to the
subject, you know, is the birds and the

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00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:51,920
bees. Mine was a disembodied voice
shouting, some do and some don't, and

185
00:23:51,980 --> 00:23:52,980
sailor.

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00:23:56,320 --> 00:24:00,080
For the more advanced... For the more
advanced... students, you know, used to

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00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:02,240
put on a black stocking and stick his
leg out of the door.

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00:24:03,580 --> 00:24:07,340
Even when I eventually, no, this is
true, even when I eventually got married

189
00:24:07,340 --> 00:24:13,400
my dear, lovely wife, who is at this
moment, well, somewhere or other,

190
00:24:13,580 --> 00:24:20,240
even when we got married, I was so shy
that we hardly spoke from the time we

191
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:24,180
shook hands at the altar until I waved
to her from my window of my room in the

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00:24:24,180 --> 00:24:25,500
YMCA Torremolinos.

193
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:29,700
Actually, the marriage was my dad's
idea, you see.

194
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:32,980
She was the girl next door, and her
father had an electric drill.

195
00:24:35,940 --> 00:24:39,340
Now, I seem to have forgotten a very
funny joke I was going to tell you. Oh,

196
00:24:39,340 --> 00:24:40,340
yes, I know.

197
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:41,480
Last. I've got it.

198
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:43,900
And I've also remembered the joke I was
going to tell you.

199
00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:51,040
A chap goes into a

200
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:55,320
restaurant, and he said to the waiter,
he said, I'd like some cold vegetable

201
00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:56,480
soup with some...

202
00:24:57,060 --> 00:25:02,220
chopped raincoat, and perhaps a
cigarette end in it, and then I'd like

203
00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:06,160
if he would, to take a sirloin steak and
set light to it, let it burn for a

204
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:09,700
while, then drop it in the sink, and
wait for just a minute, just a moment,

205
00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:13,560
He said, we can't possibly serve a meal
like that. And the man said, why not?

206
00:25:13,620 --> 00:25:14,620
You did it yesterday.

207
00:25:27,620 --> 00:25:30,180
Deuteronomy 22, verses 2 to 5.

208
00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:32,320
I beg your pardon?

209
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:36,400
Deuteronomy 22, verses 2 to 5.

210
00:25:37,020 --> 00:25:38,019
Oh, I'm sorry.

211
00:25:38,020 --> 00:25:40,920
2 Kings 8, 7 to 14.

212
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:44,420
Oh, really? You wouldn't surprise me. I
should have thought Micah 2 .40.

213
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:50,820
Oh, no, no. You're forgetting Zebediah
9, 13, down to I what, not what you get.

214
00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:51,920
Oh, of course.

215
00:25:52,420 --> 00:25:55,100
Ruth 13, 10 to 11.

216
00:25:57,350 --> 00:26:00,330
No, the way I heard it, it was Daniel 3.

217
00:26:00,730 --> 00:26:01,730
Oh, yes.

218
00:26:01,930 --> 00:26:05,010
But surely that would mean Nahum 7,
wouldn't it?

219
00:26:05,550 --> 00:26:08,350
Oh, yes, yes, but surely not if it's
done with taste.

220
00:26:08,570 --> 00:26:09,570
No, no, no.

221
00:26:10,310 --> 00:26:11,730
Nehemiah 2, 7 to 8.

222
00:26:13,130 --> 00:26:14,130
Leviticus.

223
00:26:15,290 --> 00:26:16,290
Judges 14.

224
00:26:17,530 --> 00:26:18,530
Nehemiah 10.

225
00:26:19,610 --> 00:26:20,610
Amos 22.

226
00:26:22,650 --> 00:26:23,650
Nehemiah 10.

227
00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:25,760
Haggai 12.

228
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:28,680
Nehemiah 10.

229
00:26:30,260 --> 00:26:32,380
Yes, well, of course, it's all right for
you. You're married.

230
00:27:52,910 --> 00:27:53,930
So this is called it.

231
00:27:55,830 --> 00:27:57,090
Never keep me in here.

232
00:28:52,650 --> 00:28:53,650
That's testing you.

233
00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:25,460
My name's Carter. George Carter.

234
00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:26,499
How are you?

235
00:29:26,500 --> 00:29:27,439
I'm Dickie.

236
00:29:27,440 --> 00:29:28,960
Not feeling so good myself, you know.

237
00:29:31,180 --> 00:29:34,840
How long have you been cooped up in
here, then? Four years.

238
00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:37,440
Four years, eh? No wonder you're feeling
Dickie.

239
00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:40,400
Have you ever thought about trying to
escape?

240
00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:43,460
No, no, no. My name's Dickie. Oh! Oh, I
see. Sorry.

241
00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:46,620
And don't think you're going to escape
from here. This place is impregnable.

242
00:29:47,060 --> 00:29:48,300
Don't you believe it.

243
00:29:48,540 --> 00:29:51,020
That's what they said about Doreen
Phipps, how wrong they were.

244
00:29:53,740 --> 00:29:54,599
Were they?

245
00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:56,720
Well, I'm paying a 30 bob a week judge
for yourself.

246
00:29:58,140 --> 00:29:59,680
No, we'll soon get out of here.

247
00:29:59,940 --> 00:30:01,560
Oh, you better have a word with Captain
Whitmore.

248
00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:02,739
Oh, where is he?

249
00:30:02,740 --> 00:30:04,540
I'm not quite sure, as a matter of fact.
Hello?

250
00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:06,600
Hello, I'm stuck in here.

251
00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:11,540
The door seems to have jammed in here.

252
00:30:12,420 --> 00:30:13,580
Yes, that's him. Coming!

253
00:30:24,100 --> 00:30:25,240
I'm the escape officer.

254
00:30:36,220 --> 00:30:39,300
How do you do, sir? My name's Carter.

255
00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:40,760
Whitmore.

256
00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:45,780
Sorry about the oil can. I can't get it
off my finger.

257
00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:48,440
I was oiling my bed springs the other
day.

258
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:50,840
Oiling the bed springs? Is this a mixed
dormitory?

259
00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:52,080
What?

260
00:30:52,350 --> 00:30:53,350
Yes, rather. Oh, yes, yes.

261
00:30:53,730 --> 00:30:54,730
Officers and men, yes.

262
00:30:56,150 --> 00:30:57,650
I knew what you mean, got me going
there.

263
00:30:58,150 --> 00:31:00,370
Thought for a while I wouldn't bother to
escape after all.

264
00:31:01,050 --> 00:31:04,830
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you,
Carter, but I'm afraid the only woman on

265
00:31:04,830 --> 00:31:05,830
camp is Matron.

266
00:31:06,150 --> 00:31:07,230
Oh, what's she like?

267
00:31:07,830 --> 00:31:10,630
Blonde and big with it. I like big
women.

268
00:31:10,910 --> 00:31:12,130
Luckily, she's a vegetarian.

269
00:31:12,650 --> 00:31:14,090
Why? She'd have you for breakfast.

270
00:31:15,850 --> 00:31:18,210
I see, that's the way of it. Well, I'm
going to get her out of here straight

271
00:31:18,210 --> 00:31:19,610
away. Now, just a minute, Carter, just a
minute.

272
00:31:20,450 --> 00:31:21,550
It's not as easy as that.

273
00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:24,460
We have a code of conduct in here.

274
00:31:25,060 --> 00:31:27,300
Of course you want to escape. Everybody
does.

275
00:31:27,700 --> 00:31:29,080
But it has to be organized.

276
00:31:29,500 --> 00:31:34,080
You need money, clothing, a cover story,
and all this means that there's none of

277
00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:35,540
this go -it -alone stuff.

278
00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:40,220
Now, we've built up a team of experts in
here to deal with every aspect.

279
00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:47,720
Now, every escape must be planned, and
planned down to the very last minute

280
00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:48,880
detail. Do you understand?

281
00:32:00,330 --> 00:32:01,490
Which is to speak with you.

282
00:32:01,890 --> 00:32:03,130
He has taken in command.

283
00:32:03,390 --> 00:32:06,690
You will wash, shave, and be ready to
report in half an hour.

284
00:32:06,890 --> 00:32:09,090
Keep your hair on, Fritzie, then. I have
no hair.

285
00:32:09,510 --> 00:32:11,290
And I have no time to waste.

286
00:32:14,890 --> 00:32:16,010
Touchy lot, aren't they, eh?

287
00:32:29,770 --> 00:32:30,930
Ah, it's you, Carter.

288
00:32:32,250 --> 00:32:33,350
Sit down, please.

289
00:32:35,710 --> 00:32:36,710
There's no chair.

290
00:32:37,730 --> 00:32:40,530
Well, instead, we don't run this place
for your comfort, Carter.

291
00:32:42,670 --> 00:32:45,870
Now, just one or two things I would like
you to know before you commence your

292
00:32:45,870 --> 00:32:47,030
stay here in Colitz.

293
00:32:47,830 --> 00:32:50,910
This is a top security prison. There's
no escape.

294
00:32:51,230 --> 00:32:52,230
Do you understand?

295
00:32:52,530 --> 00:32:56,450
From now on, you're in the hands of
superior prison officers.

296
00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:02,220
Should you attempt to escape, here is a
list of the men you would have to deal

297
00:33:02,220 --> 00:33:03,220
with.

298
00:33:03,460 --> 00:33:09,820
Hauptmann Leitz, Sturmbannführer
Schmeling, Sturmbannführer Haefler,

299
00:33:09,820 --> 00:33:13,940
Blattow, and
Oppengruppenveranstaltergegrossler

300
00:33:14,680 --> 00:33:16,080
Do you understand all this?

301
00:33:16,860 --> 00:33:19,500
Yes, luckily my father kept a
delicatessen.

302
00:33:21,060 --> 00:33:24,080
Really? Yeah, that was before he was in
show business.

303
00:33:24,300 --> 00:33:25,540
Show business, huh.

304
00:33:26,220 --> 00:33:27,220
I like show business.

305
00:33:27,700 --> 00:33:28,760
What does he do?

306
00:33:29,180 --> 00:33:30,520
He's an escapologist.

307
00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:36,360
Well, Flight Lieutenant Carter, I hope
you won't entertain any thoughts of

308
00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:40,080
escape from here, following in your
father's footsteps.

309
00:33:41,120 --> 00:33:45,560
Because I can assure you, escape from
cold is impossible.

310
00:33:57,770 --> 00:33:59,510
Monsieur, you will not manage it.

311
00:34:01,310 --> 00:34:02,310
Now, then.

312
00:34:03,390 --> 00:34:07,890
Here is your prison number and the
address to which a letter should be

313
00:34:10,550 --> 00:34:14,150
It will be forwarded to your family via
the Red Cross. You understand?

314
00:34:14,670 --> 00:34:15,670
Yes.

315
00:34:16,710 --> 00:34:20,350
You realize it's the duty of every
officer to try and escape, don't you? Of

316
00:34:20,350 --> 00:34:21,690
course I realize it, Flight Lieutenant.

317
00:34:22,230 --> 00:34:25,949
I just thought that I would save you a
little time and energy.

318
00:34:32,429 --> 00:34:35,510
I can think of many better ways of
spending the time.

319
00:34:37,130 --> 00:34:38,130
Don't you agree?

320
00:34:38,630 --> 00:34:39,889
I think you're right.

321
00:34:51,889 --> 00:34:53,489
Quart, I think he's coming back.

322
00:34:56,110 --> 00:34:57,110
Is that you, Carter?

323
00:34:57,310 --> 00:34:58,610
Yeah. How's it going?

324
00:34:59,250 --> 00:35:00,250
Pretty well.

325
00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:02,200
Another couple of feet. Oh, thanks very
much.

326
00:35:05,140 --> 00:35:06,880
How much further have you got to go?

327
00:35:07,320 --> 00:35:08,740
I told you, two more feet.

328
00:35:09,980 --> 00:35:11,900
I thought you meant two more feet.

329
00:35:12,140 --> 00:35:16,600
Thank you very much. Has someone else
just turned to provide the socks?

330
00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:17,859
How about you, Whitmore?

331
00:35:17,860 --> 00:35:19,240
No, no, I've got a potato in mind.

332
00:35:19,500 --> 00:35:21,780
This goes on much longer. I should be
able to grow them in mind.

333
00:35:25,900 --> 00:35:26,718
Look out.

334
00:35:26,720 --> 00:35:27,720
Matron.

335
00:35:35,980 --> 00:35:40,580
you that the RAF have dropped a load of
Red Cross parcels for you. Oh, ma 'am.

336
00:35:41,340 --> 00:35:42,340
Unfortunately,

337
00:35:42,500 --> 00:35:45,760
when they hit the ground, they were
shattered completely.

338
00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:47,240
Only one survived.

339
00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:48,399
Oh, why?

340
00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:52,480
I had fun bathing on the roof, and it
landed on top of me. It bounced.

341
00:35:55,580 --> 00:35:56,580
Yes, it would.

342
00:35:58,640 --> 00:35:59,640
Bring it in, please.

343
00:35:59,860 --> 00:36:03,760
What? Oh, the box. Thank you, chappy.

344
00:36:09,450 --> 00:36:10,690
Well, no wonder it bounced.

345
00:36:11,250 --> 00:36:12,250
It's a load of balls.

346
00:36:14,590 --> 00:36:15,830
Yes, a few balls.

347
00:36:21,930 --> 00:36:22,930
All clear.

348
00:36:24,110 --> 00:36:27,390
Right, this is it, lads. I'm going to
make my final bid for freedom. If I'm

349
00:36:27,390 --> 00:36:29,330
back within three hours, come down the
tunnel and investigate.

350
00:36:29,550 --> 00:36:32,270
Right. Good luck, Carter. Drop us the
postcard. I'll do better than that. When

351
00:36:32,270 --> 00:36:33,530
get to France, I'll send you a letter.

352
00:36:44,810 --> 00:36:47,050
All we've got to do now is wait.

353
00:37:04,150 --> 00:37:05,530
Well, it's three hours later.

354
00:37:08,710 --> 00:37:10,310
I'm going through to investigate.

355
00:37:24,770 --> 00:37:25,770
Good Lord.

356
00:37:27,510 --> 00:37:28,530
What are you doing?

357
00:37:29,410 --> 00:37:31,090
You've got to take it when you can get
it.

358
00:37:31,930 --> 00:37:34,590
You never told me the tunnel came out in
Matron's bedroom.

359
00:37:35,010 --> 00:37:36,010
Pure coincidence.

360
00:37:37,210 --> 00:37:38,610
Bit of luck, though, ain't it?

361
00:37:43,650 --> 00:37:44,890
Got to work this time.

362
00:37:45,090 --> 00:37:46,250
I don't see why I shouldn't.

363
00:37:46,550 --> 00:37:47,790
We've got money and papers.

364
00:37:48,549 --> 00:37:51,130
Once we get over that wall, we stand a
damn good chance.

365
00:37:51,370 --> 00:37:52,510
Got the sheets tied together?

366
00:37:52,770 --> 00:37:53,609
Only two.

367
00:37:53,610 --> 00:37:55,970
Most of the lads were damn mean about
giving us the sheets.

368
00:37:56,350 --> 00:37:57,550
Damn selfish bastards.

369
00:37:57,830 --> 00:37:58,830
You were the only one who volunteered.

370
00:37:59,590 --> 00:38:01,490
That's all right. Only two sheets?

371
00:38:02,070 --> 00:38:03,170
How high is this wall?

372
00:38:03,450 --> 00:38:04,450
Eighty feet.

373
00:38:06,130 --> 00:38:07,830
Well, we'll just have to drop the last
bit.

374
00:38:09,450 --> 00:38:10,450
Come on.

375
00:38:13,150 --> 00:38:14,290
You look fine, honestly.

376
00:38:18,090 --> 00:38:19,350
Well, goodbye, Chapman Hillsport.

377
00:38:20,030 --> 00:38:22,170
See you again when this damn show's
over.

378
00:38:22,790 --> 00:38:23,790
Yeah.

379
00:38:24,530 --> 00:38:26,030
Thanks for the sheets, Dickie. Welcome.

380
00:38:26,630 --> 00:38:27,630
Bye.

381
00:38:28,050 --> 00:38:29,050
Bye.

382
00:38:29,650 --> 00:38:30,650
Bye.

383
00:38:32,990 --> 00:38:34,150
Who needs sheets?

384
00:38:34,410 --> 00:38:35,410
Come in, Matron!

385
00:40:43,589 --> 00:40:44,589
We're over. Are you all right?

386
00:40:45,070 --> 00:40:46,070
Here's fine.

387
00:40:46,370 --> 00:40:47,370
Bit of a headache.

388
00:40:48,370 --> 00:40:52,110
I suggest we stay put under the shadow
of the wall till morning.

389
00:40:52,550 --> 00:40:53,550
Good idea.

390
00:40:57,870 --> 00:40:58,870
Good night, old boy.

391
00:40:59,190 --> 00:41:01,030
Good night, old boy.

392
00:41:03,370 --> 00:41:04,370
Bye.

393
00:41:09,610 --> 00:41:10,710
Good morning, gentlemen.

394
00:41:11,390 --> 00:41:13,390
Hello. You got over the wall, did you?

395
00:41:14,430 --> 00:41:16,590
You will be sorry, I can assure you.

396
00:41:18,170 --> 00:41:19,490
Welcome to Butler.

397
00:41:41,430 --> 00:41:42,890
Well, that's all for tonight.

398
00:41:43,170 --> 00:41:47,110
Next week, we'll be asking some
searching questions on education, for

399
00:41:47,230 --> 00:41:49,650
Can cross -eyed teachers control their
pupils?

400
00:41:54,310 --> 00:41:59,190
And on divers with chickenpox, do they
really come up to scratch?

401
00:42:03,850 --> 00:42:09,110
And for music lovers, the Birmingham
Bean Ensemble will amalgamate with the

402
00:42:09,110 --> 00:42:12,430
Birmingham Radish Ensemble to form the
Birmingham Wind Ensemble.

403
00:42:15,050 --> 00:42:17,390
Now, a few items of late news.

404
00:42:17,710 --> 00:42:21,130
Sir Hartley Withers, the explorer, had a
fantastic escape today.

405
00:42:21,350 --> 00:42:25,110
He was being chased by three hungry
lions, and they were only two feet

406
00:42:25,110 --> 00:42:28,350
him when, a thousand to one chance, he
was eaten by a crocodile.

407
00:42:31,120 --> 00:42:35,360
And a seed firm in Luton claim they have
grown a new kind of lettuce that

408
00:42:35,360 --> 00:42:38,320
enables men to live to a great age and
retain their virility.

409
00:42:38,660 --> 00:42:42,700
If you want any of these seeds, please
write to Dunmore and Sons and Sons and

410
00:42:42,700 --> 00:42:43,700
Sons and Sons.

411
00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:54,520
What utter nonsense.

412
00:42:56,100 --> 00:42:57,740
And they taste revolting anyway.

413
00:42:59,220 --> 00:43:00,220
Newsflash.

414
00:43:02,510 --> 00:43:09,390
A last, sorry, a last newsflash that's
just handed to me here reveals that W

415
00:43:09,410 --> 00:43:16,210
Smith are to ban a thousand -piece nude
jigsaw of Tom Jones unless 73 pieces are

416
00:43:16,210 --> 00:43:17,210
withdrawn.

417
00:43:21,470 --> 00:43:25,130
So it's goodnight from me and it's
goodnight from him. Goodnight.